You're A Crook Captain Hook...

Oh won't you throw the book?! At the tyrant...

I, like Jareth Cutestory, have taken a keen interest in Maritime Law. I thought I'd highlight one of my favorite cases that I've research in the archives of the infamous Inquisition. Much of the general public, catholic and non-catholic think that the Inquisition was this scary, powerful organization when it really wasn't. It was so mired in rules in prohibitions that it really couldn't do a whole lot in the way of torturing and murdering people. In fact the average number of deaths from 1540-1740 was 3 executions a year, and in the 5 centuries of trials, only 5% were even tortured(Kamen, Henry. “500 Years of Inquisition.” 1981). More people died a year from drinking too much alcohol. I could go on and on about how and why the Inquisition has so many myths, but instead, I'll just give you a trial brief from 1720 that highlights how silly and harmless this institution was. Enjoy my colorful description.

Name of Case: Reconciliation to Our Holy Catholic Faith of Joshua Morton
Citation of Case: Archivo General de la Nación, Ramo de Inquisición, Vol. 787, Exp. 2
Place/Year: Mexico / 1720

Facts:

This case is of an English sailor who had been captured and sought to be brought back into the fold of the most awesome catholic faith. What is likely is that Morton wanted to be brought under the jurisdiction of the Inquisition rather than the imprisonment of the Spanish secular authorities who probably would have executed him. That's right, the Inquisition was more pleasant than seeing a king or governor. Don't forget Spain and England were at war for like...ever.

Morton confessed to being born and raised under the Anglican faith, thus a heretic who's beliefs were perverse and totally wrong. Basically a second after being captured, Morton knew that the Catholic faith was number 1. All in all, he was ashamed of being a Protestant bandwagon fan. At the trial he admitted freely that what he believed was stupid and wacky, that he wanted to be brought back into catholic recognition, and would cease his heretical beliefs, crossing his heart and hoping to die.

Issue/Accusation:

The Inquisition was more than happy to hear the confession of Morton, and was glad to hear that he came forward on his own since they liked that kind of thing. And so Joshua Morton confessed that he was a screwed up, lost individual all his life, and pretty much wasted time from the day he was born.

Morton requested to be brought back into the Catholic Church after writing his intent to 
the archbishop of Mexico, who had deemed that the next step in the process was to be brought before the office of the Inquisition. The intrepid Morton met with a dude named Father Castro and another bro named Father Julián Gutíerrez Dávila who instructed him in the faith of Catholicism to make sure he was down to pat by reconciling and educating himself with the rites and practices of the Church via the book "Catholicism for Ninnys".

Morton was questioned as to what heresies he had practiced as an Anglican, and he summed up his confessions with "I don't know dude, you tell me". He also admitted that as a sailor, he had no time to focus on his beliefs because he was far too busy on the poop deck. Furthermore, Morton confirmed that on his voyagers he had collaborated with no one but Catholics, except for that one time, but that was only because he was a little curious, and the Inquisitors were willing to let it slide because they knew that everyone wanted to let their hair down every now and then.

Decision of the Court:

Joshua Morton came to the Inquisitors saying, “Hello sailors! I heard you can patch this little problem up for me. Come on guy?”  The Inquisitors liked Morton’s sprightly and flamboyant personality, and respected that he wanted to be a Roman Catholic, for they knew that all Protestant faiths worked arduously to trick people and brainwash them into believing things like the idea that the Bible should be interpreted literally and that your ticket to heaven is stamped by merely saying you believe and are "saved" instead of doing good things for others.

Because Joshua Morton quickly and easily embraced the faith of the Catholic Church, the Inquisitors re-enrolled his Rapid-Rewards account back into the faith and absolved him of his errors, which he of course apologized sincerely for, and promised he'd "never do it again". Thus the Inquisitors made ready the necessary scrolls and documents that would require that he be reconciled as a new and improved Joshua Morton 2.0.  

From there he was able to go back home to his parish priest and show his Padre his test scores from the tribunal, and then go on pilgrimage field trips and continue pursuing his love of the seas.

Due Process:

These documents represent a good example of the narrative and due process of bringing a Protestant back into fold of the Catholic faith, and how with the proper motives and admissions of the confessor, a person could fairly easily be let off the hook whether they really believed it or not. No torture, no burning at the stake. 

Joshua Morton was unlucky to be an Englishman captured in Spanish territory. Yet in a single day he was able to be absolved of his lifetime of heresies, become a Roman Catholic, and be set free despite being an enemy soldier. The Inquisition actually saved him.

Local Man "Thrilled" to be Named Most Handsome Man on Block

Irving, TX- After a tense and bitter campaign, local man, Brooks Baca, rolled to win the most handsome man on the Harris Court block of the Valley Ranch neighborhood of Irving, TX, a suburb of Dallas. The contest, first dreamed up by Baca himself, was intended to promote Valley Ranch and to spur on neighbor interaction in this quiet community.

The race was called shortly after 6:15 central time, as a series of swing votes fell into place for Baca to give him the advantage he needed over his elderly opponent, retired bookkeeper, Ralph Garcia. First, 10418 Harris Ct then 10428 Harris Ct fell to Baca. When the ever important 10422 Harris Ct vote went the young educator's way, a roar went up from the Baca house, just next door.

Moments later, Mr. Baca sent this message on Twitter, "YOLO!!! S/O to Drake, Keshia Pulliam, Bill Nye, and Jason Sudeikis!" He struck the same tone of untethered excitement as he addressed his wife and younger brother from their modest get-together that evening, "The block has spoken. As a community, we clearly value hard work and hard bodies. We know our best days were in college but our other best days are to come!"

Garcia faced a suprisingly upbeat group of supporters just down the block, caddy-corner from the Baca residence, and offered his congratulations to Baca, "I wish all of them well but particularly Brooks, his wife, and that other guy who's always over there. What's his deal anyway? At any rate, to be honest, I never really cared about this competition but Brooks made me sign up so he could have someone to run against and I didn't mind."

Others, such as Baca's neighbor, Rhonda Willingham, took time to reflect on the contest, "Well, my partner Lisa and I considered voting for Linda's kid down the street but we thought that might come off as creepy since he's only 9 so we just voted for Brooks, I think he's actually the only guy on the block." When asked about Garcia's candidacy, Willingham seemed genuinely surprised, "Really? I thought he passed away a couple of years ago. I'd have voted for the guy, that is really too bad, I should go see him sometime."

Baca will have little time to celebrate however, as during the night's celebration he neglected his fitness principles, "Yeah, because of the big announcement tonight, I didn't get a chance to go the the gym. And, if I'm being truthful, the stress of this event, combined with the beers, is really gonna take its toll. I really got to hit it hard tomorrow and be sure that I get my looks back the to standards this neighborhood knows and expects."