Wednesday, October 2, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: MAN LOSES FINGERS TO AUTHORITARIAN FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE COMMISSIONER

BIP WOOTEN of Hawtgoob, PA lost 4 fingers and a thumb on or around the evening of the 1st of October 2013. "I had it coming, I read the by-lines and knew that my paw was at stake with this fantasy football league." 


Wooten's tragic loss of the use of his right hand was at the expense of not paying his league dues on time. "Well, I had 5 weeks to send the check and I actually saw my commissioner in person a couple of times, so I had my opportunities to save my #$&%ing fingers..." continues Wooten, "...the commish even says to me: 'Hey Bip, listen here, and listen good: I'm going to cut off your #$&%ing fingers the next time I see you if you don't pay your dues. I'm tired of your lazy non-committal attitude. So if you don't get your act straight, I'm going to take your fingers and feed them to your dogs.'"

Figuring the dues might just float away and somehow make it magically into the money pool, Wooten, now regrets what was an easily fixable condition. The fantasy football leaguer, team-named the Rochester Twinballs, is now thinking of renaming his team "Bip's Stub Clap". "I thought it was kinda funny you know? I wanted to make light of the situation of me now having a stub for a hand. I can't even make a proper clap of my hands anymore. I mean, my children think I'm a monster now and scream at the site of me and Stink Fist." 'Stink Fist' is the name Wooten calls his atrocity for a hand.


Wooten's choices now make things like wiping after a poo, opening a can of beer, playing the banjo, and waving--a whole new adjustment. "I don't even want to fist-bump the guy." says friend Nack Grenshaw. "He's always trying to pretend everything's okay and normal, but the fact his, he has this horrendous nub for a hand, and it freaks us all out. He's always talking about Stink Fist and how he gives him 'adventures' by taking him into dark places. If he doesn't get some sort of prosthetic, I'm seriously considering not being his friend anymore."


Later in this report we found out that Wooten has to this day still not paid his dues. Stay tuned for our possible follow up story with Bip "no-hands" Wooten.

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