I watched the Avengers over this past weekend. The three year gap of living in apartments
without the internet or cable television has created a pop-culture void, so
essentially I am on par with the Ukraine for new American media.
Why do I feel like no one has addressed that The
Incredible Hulk is a terrible superhero?
Is it something in our collective consciousness that says “Hulk is good
because the other Marvel guys they put in movies are pretty good?” Is it like how everyone hates candy corn,
even though it’s just high fructose corn syrup which everyone loves? Or how ironic racism is somehow not still
racism even though the transcripts are identical? Or we say that crashing into the back of
someone while texting and driving a giant SUV is an “accident”, but A.J. can’t
smell people’s hair out in public?
Anyway there’s a lot of zeitgeist awesome in the Avengers. Robert Downey junior as Tony Stark is a
terrific cinematic viewing experience, hands down. Thor…well he was good enough for the Vikings
a thousand years ago and much like mead and pillaging (the boozing and partying
of its day), I’m inclined to agree Thor is also good and there’s a bunch of
others. However, I draw the line at the
Incredible Hulk. I appreciate that he’s
actually scientist Bruce Banner and has a back story of a gamma ray experiment
gone wrong (why not Gamma Ray Charles, Stan Lee? Racist).
Anyway, the experiment went all coco-bananas and instead of killing him
or giving him Lupus, he transforms into this Hulking (hey I get it now) mound
of mutant man who is essentially invincible and super strong.
The first problem I have with Hulk is his catchphrase: "You
won't like me when I'm angry."
That's what an alcoholic Dad says.
What's next? Bruce Banner is
saying "Hey 9 year-old son of mine.
You need to come pick me up from the bar, because they didn't like me
when I was angry either and now Hulk daddy can’t walk home." All I see with the Hulk is a sense
entitlement in not having to follow the rules when they’re not convenient for
the Hulk to follow them. Come to think
of it, the Hulk is only a few fashion accessories away from being that texting
jerk in the SUV killing people. "No
need to stop at stop signs or other traffic laws. I'm Hulking out!" Got it.
You're a dick. His name should
really just be "The Incredible Brat" because he’s essentially a super
strong Veruca Salt who if he doesn't get his Golden Goose, he’ll murder you
with a flick of his finger. Come to think
of it, that’s the ideal symbol for the Libertarian Party.
An exercise in superhero validity comes from a Monty
Python sketch called “Bicycle Repair Man.” [LINK TO BICYCLE REPAIR MAN
SKETCH] Basically it’s an inverse
world of Superheroes. Bicycle Repair Man
exists in a world of Supermen as the alter ego.
This makes complete sense that they would need a person who can dabble
in the mundane, bicycle repair, because a tenet of the superhero universe is
that our world still continues in all its 99.99% boring with a touch of
uncertainty.
So Bicycle Repairman presents a great existential crisis through genius sketch
comedy at its finest. I think the proper
evaluation of a Superhero would be to imagine yourself in a city filled with
that Superhero and you are the only normal person, like bicycle repairman. So in the Superman city, you would never be
in any danger, you just have to fix all the bicycles because Superman is only a
really skilled athlete, lacking technical knowledge. Batman city would be okay just noisy at
night with everyone going around on rooftops, then a lot of tired people during
business hours. An Ironman city would
be like Nikola Tesla’s wet dream filled with free electricity and gizmos 1,000 times more helpful than the forest birds in Snow White.
But a world of Hulks?
“Hey what’s up Bruce?”
“I was trying to thread a needle, ‘cause I’m running out of slacks on account of the...[makes growly face with slight flex] and couldn't. Then I got frustrated and you know...ripped a side of my house off.”
“Tough break. Too bad smashing it again wouldn't put everything back in order…Not that you haven’t tried, am I right?”
This is worse than a world full of wall crashing Kool-Aid
Men because at least that’d be in the name of refreshment not petty anger.
Oh yeah.
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