And he hits a nubber back to the pitcher...

What do you say now?!

In the sport of baseball, there exists a routine of sayings and idioms that are meant to encourage your teammates. Outside of the context of the game, these phrases can be interpreted as anything from an insane person's babble to sexual innuendos. In fact, only ball players or people very close to the game will read or hear these lines and know exactly what it is referring to.

Here is a list of some of the sayings I'm referring to...feel free to add your own sexual metaphors:

"Rip his tits!"

"Good eye"

"Pound that zone!"

"He's throwin gas"

"Hey that's not yours! Leave that alone"

"Eat it!"

"Protect up there"

"Way to battle up there!"

"Get out ball!"

"I like it there, keep it down there"

"Come on man, touch em all"

"Look alive out there"

"Now you've seen it"

"Sit on it now"

"That's trouble!"

"Hey, straighten that out"

"That was right down the cock!"

"Stay hot"

"Hey good idea there"

"He's gotta come to you now"

"Way to get your hand in there!"

"Hey lets get a base-knock here"

"Throw him some cheese!"

"You've got the come-backer"

"Roll it up the middle"

"Throw him a chair"

"Boy he fisted him good!"

Fan Disagrees with Umpire at Local Ballgame

Ryan Bennett
Scholar and Local Gentleman

Bart Nutter of Cleveland, OH was kicked out from last night's ball game at Progressive Field after dumping his entire cup of Bud Light on field umpire Skip Hardchuck. 

"That call was bull****!!" said Nutter after the game. "I shouldn't be punished for taking the game seriously and letting that son of a ***** get away with that call. He was safe at 2nd, and that's that!" 

Nutter, who friends say is known for his eagle eye vision whilst bulls eyeing womp rats back home, said he could see the play clearly. 

"You're damn right that guy deserved it!" Says Nutter, who says he has excellent eyesight and that this author could "ask his friends about it".

After the disputed call, Nutter rappelled down from his section 342 seat on the third deck of the first base side of the park. Upon reaching the second tier, he took advantage of "free hang glider night" and used the glider of unsuspecting Karen Buford who was taking Instagram photos of her and her friends. 

"I don't know what happened..." Said Buford, "...I forgot I even got the hang glider to be honest, I left it in the empty seat behind me." Buford continued that she got some good photos of Nutter's takeoff towards Hardchuck, but couldn't show them after realizing her battery was almost dead. 

Nutter reached right field at a gallop, and upon discarding his hang glider, beer in hand, raced toward Hardchuck.

The unsuspecting Hardchuck, took a dose of his own name in the form of 18oz of lukewarm Bud Light. 

Hardchuck's take: "At first, I thought I was dying. The sensation that I had, felt as though my god, Cronos, had come for me and was melting my body into a jelly like substance." 

Hardchuck, a fervent believer in Ancient Greek gods, was disappointed to turn around and see Nutter standing there with a dripping cup of beer. 

"I cursed his heart, I really was hoping that tonight was my time. Totally ready. You know?" Says Hardchuck. 

After Nutter was kicked out and Hardchuck received a dry shirt and new outlook on life, the game resumed. The call ultimately was moot however, as the Tribe scored 4 runs that inning which was more than enough for the win. 

Other fans after the game voiced their concerns on whether or not they would still have "free hang glider night".

Smelly

Our offense awful right now. It's an offensive offense. 

I'm not asking for more home runs; I'm asking for hits with runners in scoring position. This team is batting .242 with RISP--which is good for 21st in MLB. 

Inconsistency. 

The Rangers are 7th in the league in Batting Average and 8th in On Base Percentage, which should show that they put men on base with ease. In fact in one out of every 3 batters, a Ranger player gets on base. 

The problem is that they don't go anywhere! 

Look no further than the 18 inn..yes 18 INNING loss last Saturday 6/8/2013 to see an example of the struggles here. 30 men were left on base, and two players, I won't say any names here but we will just call them Lance B. and Nelson C, went a combined 15 at bats without a hit. As a 3 and a 5 spot hitter, your job is to drive in runs. With 15 at bats, neither of those gentlemen could get so much as a single. 

You'd figure one of them would come up with some kind of hit. It defines statistics! If a player is even batting  an embarrassing .200, they would still likely get at least one hit every 5 plate appearances! But in 18 innings--two full ballgames worth of baseball--they didn't "put out". No, sir, they simply got out. 

Thoughts on Josh Hamilton Comments

Texas Rangers. I've given so much money, time, and most importantly faith (worship?) to you guys. You've given me great joy and heartache in my quarter century of life, particularly as of late, and yet you've failed to bring me my championship. 

Then again maybe it's me that failed. Maybe my superstitions were wrong. Maybe I didn't spill enough blood, or didn't give enough compliments to strangers in the name of the Texas Rangers. I just don't know.

That being said, I have, and will continue to be loyal to you and your players. Josh Hamilton was a Texas Ranger and brought great success to the ball club. I appreciated everything he did for us at the Temple, and I still admire him as a ballplayer. Now let me explain why it feels like he is spitting his cheek full of tar in my face.

I'm a baseball fanatic. The beauty of the game's history, its intricacies, and my own experiences can make me tear up at times because it means so much to me. I doubt I'm alone with such sentiments. Yet here I am living in Dallas, which is not exactly a historical place for that sport. Thus, Josh doesn't need to spit in our cuts by stating the obvious that this isn't a "baseball town". He isn't the first and won't be the last to say that. This is also not the first and probably not the last time Josh is not going to think before he speaks. Josh--the booing that you suspect when you come back to Arlington means that us fans "don't get it"? 

No. 
You don't get it.

We vouched for you, made excuses to our friends and out-of-towners, and rationalized your mistakes on and off the field. We attested to your baseball prowess and made up nick-names. We bought your jersey's and t-shirts and forgave you when you relapsed on alcohol. We turned out the 3rd highest fan attendance in baseball last season, in the hottest ballpark in the MLB. We were there roaring for you in triple digit heat day in and day out. Us fans paid your salary and the Texas Rangers club gave you chance after chance to make your career what it is today. We listened to your excuses about your eyesight, getting back to your faith, and quitting tobacco. We didn't care what the reason was because we believed in you. 

If it wasn't for the Texas Rangers organization, where might you likely be today? How dare you say that you "don't owe" us anything? As a Christian, one that I might add is constantly reminding the public of your faith, you should understand forgiveness, fellowship, and the trust that Rangers fans have put in you. How can you so easily snub us? Wouldn't a good Christian example take it and turn it into a positive? Wouldn't you be giving the ultimate rebuttal to "haters" by saying how you appreciated everything that the majority of Ranger fandom gave you?

Oh wait, you want to bring up your last game here where you got booed? I was there. Unfortunately, your 0-4 performance at that time was nothing new, but a trend you had been on, one that epitomized the downfall of the Texas Rangers season in 2012. I won't bring up your dropping an easy fly ball that could have given us a division title. Oh wait I just did. You stopped playing like you cared. Or at least you looked like you did and played with zero discipline. Serious baseball fans aren't idiots, and we've been around the game enough to see a player putting forth all of their effort and those that aren't. Your head was somewhere else. We saw you when you tried. That was the Hambone we needed. That chilly October night, when you heard the boos...they weren't just for you, we were booing the entire team for falling off like they did. You were supposed to be a leader and you failed to show that you were a champion, again.

So we shall see what happens this year with your game both behind the microphone and on the diamond. Honestly, I for one wish you the best. Not against my Texas Rangers of course, but I hope that you come around to seeing those that helped you get to where you are. I won't boo you when you come to Arlington, but two things: Do you think the things you say are helping make fans like you? And: Do you actually think Anaheim is a "baseball town"?

United States of Effing America

This is what America's first team of players was like. No, better yet, this is what God's first team looked like. A 6-4-3 double play was the likes of a ground ball to John Jay, flip to Pat Henry, and a hard throw to a splits-stretched George Washington. John Adams had a cannon for an arm in right Field. Once they tested his arm against Brigadier General Henry Knox's artillery, and having out-gunned Knox's 12lber cannons, Adams was commissioned to lob cannon balls in the Battle of Yorktown, single-handedly earning America the victory.

I challenge you to prove me wrong. Tom Jefferson threw more no-no's than Declarations of Independence. Ben Franklin caught more games than French whores, and yes, they did start the game of baseball with the Designated Hitter. Why? Because they knew it would yield a better fan-base and generate more offense. How did they know? See Above--God ordained them to play this way. Paul Revere could smash. He whipped more home runs in a season than ponies at the break of dawn on April 7, 1775.

I bet you didn't know that actually Alex Hammy killed Aaron Burr in the famous duel...between double headers no less. That day, Alex robbed Aaron Burr of a potential home run, then robbed him of his life. It was little known until now that Jim Madison and Tom Paine formed the 4 and 5 hitters of the lineup, earning themselves the nickname duo of "MadPaine" because of their relentless onslaught of both insane banter and pamphleteering during games. Once in international play, they killed an entire British Redcoat ball club in front of a sold-out crowd in Leeds, England by cramming paper down their throats one by one...after hitting 8 home runs each. 

Yu Darvish to Learn From a Master

Fortunately for Yu Darvish of the Texas Rangers, he hopefully will never be subjected to the same humiliation and clubhouse laughter that Chan Ho Park experienced as a Yankee. Remember the 'diarrhea' video? 

This is in light of the recent statement by fellow pitcher Derek Holland at Spring Training, who claims that Darvish said, "Please teach me English." 

So fear not Darvish, Holland, though who has admitted himself that he's "...not the best guy to be teaching English..." will help you avoid the embarrassment of telling everyone about your bowel movements. 

Whether or not Holland will prevent Darvish from ever having ailments, or just teach him American etiquette remains to be seen. Holland isn't exactly the poster-boy for normalcy. See him as a weatherman, Harry Caray, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and author Kurt Vonnegut--all within the last 6 months.

Who knows what this language apprenticeship will lead to?

Countdown

I wanted to spend a little time talking some Ranger things. Nothing else in the world matters anymore. There's baseball around the corner. There's hope. There's a clean standings board. There's no league stat leaders and everything to prove. I'm so ready. I'm practically taking the field myself. 

Here is what the Texas effing Ranger's roster looks like as of now heading into the regular season, before seeing the yeilds of Spring Training which starts in 3 weeks:

Catcher                   Mike Napoli > Yorvit Torrealba        
First Base                Mitch Moreland > Brandon Snyder        
Second Base            Ian Kinsler            
Shortstop                Elvis Andrus            
Third Base              Adrián Béltre            
Left Field                Josh Hamilton > Leonys Martín

Center Field            Craig Gentry > Julio Borbón        
Right Field              Nelson Cruz > David Murphy        
Designated Hitter    Michael Young

A few notes:

Craig Gentry's job is his to lose in CF. I don't know how well Julio Borbón has recovered from his surgery last year, but I remember well the hype that came with him starting in 2009. I still think he potentially has the tools, and this is part of the reason for greatness in Spring Training. Who knows, Leonys Martín could really let his hair down and show both Gentry and Borbón up, but I doubt he's ready to ride. He may not even make the 25-man roster at the start of the season because he's not wearing his assless chaps yet.

Michael Young, the Rangers version of "Old Rough and Ready" will likely be filling the seat hole of DH primarily, with probably some spot games at 3B and 1B. I expect something in the area of 90-100 games DH, 20-30 3B, 10-20 1B, and maybe 10 games or so for random one-night-stands at 2B or SS. This all depends on injuries around the infield, but it's nice to have a guy like MY who could pick up any of those positions. It's like being able to rest easy knowing your daughter is in good hands.

Mike Napoli, glad to have him locked in again. Although his offensive production will be hard to replicate, it isn't as though he's going to crash at the plate. He will likely play close to 80 games behind the plate, split with Yorvit Torrealba, and depending on how Mitch Moreland is hitting, 20-30 games at 1B, with some down time at DH in the 20 game variety.

Starting Rotation     

Yu Darvish
Derek Holland    

Colby Lewis    
Matt Harrison
Neftali Feliz    
 

Bullpen     

Joe Nathan     

Mike Adams    
Mark Lowe    
Koji Uehara    
Yoshinori Tateyama    
Michael Kirkman    
Cody Eppley

Reserve/Spot Starters

Alexi Ogando    
Scott Feldman  

Note:

A lot of fuss has been made about the lack of left-handed arms in the bullpen. Well let me tell you something, pal, you don't necessarily need guys to throw specifically to left-handed batters, when you have Koji Uehara, Mike Adams, and Cody Eppley--all right handed relievers that throw statistically better to lefties than righties. Your team won't fall apart anyway because you have a bit of a bullpen mismatch.