Carve and Drink

For two years now, sometime in the month in October I've headed to the Old Monk off of Henderson St in Dallas for pumpkin carving and a drink or two.



I can't speak for the costume party on the weekend before Halloween, but the Pumpkin Carving and Pint deal is amazing. For $10 you can get a pumpkin and a pint of any of their many beers that are under $6. This includes the likes of Guiness and Stella Artois, which is good enough for me. Another perk I'd add is that they clean your pumpkin out for you; all you have to do is carve the face--which to outdo themselves even more--the Old Monk provides you with a toolkit set and a number of stencils to choose from. Furthermore, your $10 is matched by the bar and donated to the North Texas Food Bank, a good cause no doubt.

I highly recommend this fun activity to anyone that can partake, as this is one of the few instances that it is fun to see adults behaving like children and doing silly crafts. Here is a photo of my Jack o' lantern. Suck it.

Ballast Point YellowTail Pale Ale

Damn it if that's not the longest titty of a title for a beer. And damn it all if this isn't one of the most overrated beers that I've had in a while.

The YellowTail Pale Ale isn't awful, just like cookies with raisins aren't awful. There's some good in there, but the fact that some squirrel dick put raisins in an otherwise delicious cookie, ruins a good thing. I'll add to the fact that Ballast Point mislabeled their beer:

• The YellowTail is made with German hops used in a typical Kölsch.
• The beer uses German malts to create the 11-16 range gravity defined for a Kölsch.
• This "Pale Ale" is warm-fermented and then cold-conditioned...guess what...just like a Kölsch.

This is a Kölsch in my mind. It tastes like a Kölsch. I like typing Kölsch. So go Kölsch yourself. I don't know if Ballast Point would name their Kölsch after a fish. For some reason a pale ale is fitting for a fish...maybe because it's more bitter. But this isn't bitter. 

The YellowTail is having an identity crisis. But you will be disappointed if you were actually hoping for an ale. So, go on, drink this lie of a beer. Just like those raisin cookie inventors are lying treat-bakers.

Fan Disagrees with Umpire at Local Ballgame

Ryan Bennett
Scholar and Local Gentleman

Bart Nutter of Cleveland, OH was kicked out from last night's ball game at Progressive Field after dumping his entire cup of Bud Light on field umpire Skip Hardchuck. 

"That call was bull****!!" said Nutter after the game. "I shouldn't be punished for taking the game seriously and letting that son of a ***** get away with that call. He was safe at 2nd, and that's that!" 

Nutter, who friends say is known for his eagle eye vision whilst bulls eyeing womp rats back home, said he could see the play clearly. 

"You're damn right that guy deserved it!" Says Nutter, who says he has excellent eyesight and that this author could "ask his friends about it".

After the disputed call, Nutter rappelled down from his section 342 seat on the third deck of the first base side of the park. Upon reaching the second tier, he took advantage of "free hang glider night" and used the glider of unsuspecting Karen Buford who was taking Instagram photos of her and her friends. 

"I don't know what happened..." Said Buford, "...I forgot I even got the hang glider to be honest, I left it in the empty seat behind me." Buford continued that she got some good photos of Nutter's takeoff towards Hardchuck, but couldn't show them after realizing her battery was almost dead. 

Nutter reached right field at a gallop, and upon discarding his hang glider, beer in hand, raced toward Hardchuck.

The unsuspecting Hardchuck, took a dose of his own name in the form of 18oz of lukewarm Bud Light. 

Hardchuck's take: "At first, I thought I was dying. The sensation that I had, felt as though my god, Cronos, had come for me and was melting my body into a jelly like substance." 

Hardchuck, a fervent believer in Ancient Greek gods, was disappointed to turn around and see Nutter standing there with a dripping cup of beer. 

"I cursed his heart, I really was hoping that tonight was my time. Totally ready. You know?" Says Hardchuck. 

After Nutter was kicked out and Hardchuck received a dry shirt and new outlook on life, the game resumed. The call ultimately was moot however, as the Tribe scored 4 runs that inning which was more than enough for the win. 

Other fans after the game voiced their concerns on whether or not they would still have "free hang glider night".

A Tale of the India Pale Ale

Scholars continue to argue fervently about the truth behind the mysterious origins of the India Pale Ale (IPA). And to this day, the list of wars that have started over this debate are countless.

Yet, there are some wizards and normal lay-people who believe it to be a gift from the Hanuman, the Indian deity who wanted to sleep with British women. The story follows that Hanuman was disfigured shorty after birth (in Sanskrit: hanu = jaw and -mant = disfigured/prominent). No one wanted to be his girlfriend...or boyfriend for that matter. Over the ages, he was always well-known as being a foolish, monkey god, who dances and sings, often prancing around like a little fairy. So on top of being ugly he simply wasn't very manly, and let's face it, British women didn't want to bed an Indian monkey to begin with.

So Hanuman dug around in his bag of tricks and created a potion that he gave out in pint-size samples to the East India Company from Great Britain. The traders loved the potion so much that they requested to know the recipe from Hanuman, lest they take their beautiful women back home to England and let Hanuman keep working at the local circus in Delhi. Hanuman, no longer wanting to work with the evil circus masters and desiring the fair-skinned women of the British Isles, decided to make a deal.

Hanuman told the East India Company that he would give over the brew's recipe as long as he could have 13 soirees with a different British lass for 13 consecutive nights. The traders agreed fairly quickly, as they had grown tired and bored with their women anyway, and told Hanuman that he could keep them and were probably going to sail away and never come back to the God-forsaken land in the first place. 

So The East India Company learned the recipe of the IPA, which they named after it being a paler ale than their usual counterparts. They found that coke-firing the malts produced less smoke and gave a lighter toasting to the barley, which as a result created a lighter color in the brew. Later as an afterthought, the traders decided to put India at the front because that's where they discovered the ingredients. Luckily, this overruled the naming sought from most of the native India population who wanted the ale to be called Hanuman's Piss.

Needless to say, Hanuman couldn't care less about the name, after all, they were just potions to him and he could probably make dozens different flavors if he really wanted to. In addition, he was excited to have his 13 British women to take out for a evening on the town. Unfortunately, his ideas for making monkey-love never came to fruition, as he made the mistake not once, nor twice, but 13 times in a row of getting his date so drunk they she barfed relentlessly until the next morning.

The end.

*I for one don't believe this story, as many British women at the time were in fact quite keen to monkey-love. But hey, every myth has a kernel of history to it.

Raj IPA

Raj IPA

Well well, don't we love our IPAs here. I know a little about Four Peaks Brewery in Arizona because Brooks and I have effing been there and tried this right out of Schut's faucet. However it was only until recently that I came across this beer in Dallas and was reminded that I should write a little about it. 

But let me tell you that it isn't amazing. I am probably a jerk when it comes to compliments on IPAs because I drink them all the time, yet still don't get me wrong this is worth a try. After all, this is my opinion. Therefore I can say whatever I want. I can say you're a dumb face. Now, back to the Raj, it's dry like an IPA should be, and it's also strong at 6.9% and leaves a good aftertaste that is not overly bitter. It's not fruity, though I've read other people say that, which to me is cliche because everyone likes to use that adjective to describe an IPA as a compliment. I didn't find any reminders of fruit in this ale, and in fact the smell if anything was a nice, crisp surprise: it was simply fresh. 

Before you raise the glass up to your mouth the smell has an appeal to it that I liken to water, which makes your mouth want to take it down in satiating gulps. Drinkability here is on another level. Four Peaks Brewery should also get props because they sell it at their bar in Tempe. I have a great respect for Breweries who have made it to the point of brewing in the back and putting their product right over the counter in front. I give this a 7/10.

Modus Hoperandi

I don't know why in the hell I haven't gotten around to posting a brief about this beer. Wait, yeah I do. I end up beginning to drink a few of these until it erases my memory along with all thought of writing about it. Well, suddenly sobriety is good for something isn't it?

The 6.8% ABV may have something to do with my above comment, but this is indeed a very good IPA with a very strong, biting hop flavour. You will notice some citrus-y taste...and maybe pine...well if anyone really ate pine this might be a hint of what it would be like. These kicks in my opinion aren't too powerful, it's the hop that is the victor here. This makes me wonder what the time frame is on their boil times for flavouring and bittering...maybe they really put pieces of wood and bark in there. I don't know, but this could be fun to clone one day. 

Props to Ska Brewing Company, and props to possibly the best (and probably only) IPA I have ever drank out of a can. Maybe these guys in Colorado are figuring out it is cheaper to manufacture cans instead of bottles without modifying the taste?

Aujord'hui

How can anyone not be disgusted by what is going on in Syria. Nope not a question; that was rhetorical. You should be disgusted. Politics aside, only in our worst nightmares would we dream that our president and our own soldiers would be killing us and indiscriminately shelling our neighborhoods with artillery. This is what is going on in Syria. Horrifying to imagine, and truly disgusting.

Meanwhile China and Russia have decided to keep playing their diplomacy games and veto UN resolutions to call for Syrian President Bashar Assad to step down. "No, we won't stop Assad from killing his own people because we don't like you other guys, and can't be seen to agree on something with you." God forbid a moment of solidarity among leaders in stopping something so appalling. I guess it shouldn't be surprising nations are playing fickle policy and diplomacy games at a dire moment of need. But wouldn't it be smart to understand that Assad will fall eventually? And you can guarantee that his successors will not forget the friends who tried to help, and the bullys who sat on their hands.

On to other things; like beer. We believe that practice makes creativeness. It is the time for repetition, cycling, and working on brewing different types of beers. We are going to get as good as we can at home brewing...but it is also a time for reading. If our knowledge expands through a combination of experience and book-smarts in the creation of a diverse collection of genres of beer, we are betting that we can do a number of top-secret spawns in our labs. Hopefully some of them will be something you have never had before...or perhaps we will settle for just something better than what you've had before!