United States of Effing America

This is what America's first team of players was like. No, better yet, this is what God's first team looked like. A 6-4-3 double play was the likes of a ground ball to John Jay, flip to Pat Henry, and a hard throw to a splits-stretched George Washington. John Adams had a cannon for an arm in right Field. Once they tested his arm against Brigadier General Henry Knox's artillery, and having out-gunned Knox's 12lber cannons, Adams was commissioned to lob cannon balls in the Battle of Yorktown, single-handedly earning America the victory.

I challenge you to prove me wrong. Tom Jefferson threw more no-no's than Declarations of Independence. Ben Franklin caught more games than French whores, and yes, they did start the game of baseball with the Designated Hitter. Why? Because they knew it would yield a better fan-base and generate more offense. How did they know? See Above--God ordained them to play this way. Paul Revere could smash. He whipped more home runs in a season than ponies at the break of dawn on April 7, 1775.

I bet you didn't know that actually Alex Hammy killed Aaron Burr in the famous duel...between double headers no less. That day, Alex robbed Aaron Burr of a potential home run, then robbed him of his life. It was little known until now that Jim Madison and Tom Paine formed the 4 and 5 hitters of the lineup, earning themselves the nickname duo of "MadPaine" because of their relentless onslaught of both insane banter and pamphleteering during games. Once in international play, they killed an entire British Redcoat ball club in front of a sold-out crowd in Leeds, England by cramming paper down their throats one by one...after hitting 8 home runs each. 

Modus Hoperandi

I don't know why in the hell I haven't gotten around to posting a brief about this beer. Wait, yeah I do. I end up beginning to drink a few of these until it erases my memory along with all thought of writing about it. Well, suddenly sobriety is good for something isn't it?

The 6.8% ABV may have something to do with my above comment, but this is indeed a very good IPA with a very strong, biting hop flavour. You will notice some citrus-y taste...and maybe pine...well if anyone really ate pine this might be a hint of what it would be like. These kicks in my opinion aren't too powerful, it's the hop that is the victor here. This makes me wonder what the time frame is on their boil times for flavouring and bittering...maybe they really put pieces of wood and bark in there. I don't know, but this could be fun to clone one day. 

Props to Ska Brewing Company, and props to possibly the best (and probably only) IPA I have ever drank out of a can. Maybe these guys in Colorado are figuring out it is cheaper to manufacture cans instead of bottles without modifying the taste?

My Lord

There has been little talk about the way you are ruling your lands my lord. Might I advise you remove your armies from the sex-dens and instead place them on the walls and into their barracks? And pray, perhaps if you stopped making the peasants pay taxes in the amount of kernels found in their feces, but use the shekels that they carry instead. May I also suggest not peeing on the heads of the envoys belonging to our rival lords. It truly is quite a disservice every time you whip it out and urinate on their diplomats when they kneel down to greet you; it's a trust thing. 

Our realm has been whispered of in other halls for more reasons, notably the issue of why we seem to habitually bring a sand and rock casserole to the monthly Lord and Lady Potluck. At first many thought t'was a silly joke, but then last month you insisted in holding Lord Balfour at knife point into eating the concrete mixture. To make matters worse, the whole kingdom of nobles now knows of your parchment you sent a day later to Lord Balfour that read: "HOW DOTH THAT TASTE YOU NINNY!"

Yu Darvish to Learn From a Master

Fortunately for Yu Darvish of the Texas Rangers, he hopefully will never be subjected to the same humiliation and clubhouse laughter that Chan Ho Park experienced as a Yankee. Remember the 'diarrhea' video? 

This is in light of the recent statement by fellow pitcher Derek Holland at Spring Training, who claims that Darvish said, "Please teach me English." 

So fear not Darvish, Holland, though who has admitted himself that he's "...not the best guy to be teaching English..." will help you avoid the embarrassment of telling everyone about your bowel movements. 

Whether or not Holland will prevent Darvish from ever having ailments, or just teach him American etiquette remains to be seen. Holland isn't exactly the poster-boy for normalcy. See him as a weatherman, Harry Caray, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and author Kurt Vonnegut--all within the last 6 months.

Who knows what this language apprenticeship will lead to?

Countdown

I wanted to spend a little time talking some Ranger things. Nothing else in the world matters anymore. There's baseball around the corner. There's hope. There's a clean standings board. There's no league stat leaders and everything to prove. I'm so ready. I'm practically taking the field myself. 

Here is what the Texas effing Ranger's roster looks like as of now heading into the regular season, before seeing the yeilds of Spring Training which starts in 3 weeks:

Catcher                   Mike Napoli > Yorvit Torrealba        
First Base                Mitch Moreland > Brandon Snyder        
Second Base            Ian Kinsler            
Shortstop                Elvis Andrus            
Third Base              Adrián Béltre            
Left Field                Josh Hamilton > Leonys Martín

Center Field            Craig Gentry > Julio Borbón        
Right Field              Nelson Cruz > David Murphy        
Designated Hitter    Michael Young

A few notes:

Craig Gentry's job is his to lose in CF. I don't know how well Julio Borbón has recovered from his surgery last year, but I remember well the hype that came with him starting in 2009. I still think he potentially has the tools, and this is part of the reason for greatness in Spring Training. Who knows, Leonys Martín could really let his hair down and show both Gentry and Borbón up, but I doubt he's ready to ride. He may not even make the 25-man roster at the start of the season because he's not wearing his assless chaps yet.

Michael Young, the Rangers version of "Old Rough and Ready" will likely be filling the seat hole of DH primarily, with probably some spot games at 3B and 1B. I expect something in the area of 90-100 games DH, 20-30 3B, 10-20 1B, and maybe 10 games or so for random one-night-stands at 2B or SS. This all depends on injuries around the infield, but it's nice to have a guy like MY who could pick up any of those positions. It's like being able to rest easy knowing your daughter is in good hands.

Mike Napoli, glad to have him locked in again. Although his offensive production will be hard to replicate, it isn't as though he's going to crash at the plate. He will likely play close to 80 games behind the plate, split with Yorvit Torrealba, and depending on how Mitch Moreland is hitting, 20-30 games at 1B, with some down time at DH in the 20 game variety.

Starting Rotation     

Yu Darvish
Derek Holland    

Colby Lewis    
Matt Harrison
Neftali Feliz    
 

Bullpen     

Joe Nathan     

Mike Adams    
Mark Lowe    
Koji Uehara    
Yoshinori Tateyama    
Michael Kirkman    
Cody Eppley

Reserve/Spot Starters

Alexi Ogando    
Scott Feldman  

Note:

A lot of fuss has been made about the lack of left-handed arms in the bullpen. Well let me tell you something, pal, you don't necessarily need guys to throw specifically to left-handed batters, when you have Koji Uehara, Mike Adams, and Cody Eppley--all right handed relievers that throw statistically better to lefties than righties. Your team won't fall apart anyway because you have a bit of a bullpen mismatch.

Aujord'hui

How can anyone not be disgusted by what is going on in Syria. Nope not a question; that was rhetorical. You should be disgusted. Politics aside, only in our worst nightmares would we dream that our president and our own soldiers would be killing us and indiscriminately shelling our neighborhoods with artillery. This is what is going on in Syria. Horrifying to imagine, and truly disgusting.

Meanwhile China and Russia have decided to keep playing their diplomacy games and veto UN resolutions to call for Syrian President Bashar Assad to step down. "No, we won't stop Assad from killing his own people because we don't like you other guys, and can't be seen to agree on something with you." God forbid a moment of solidarity among leaders in stopping something so appalling. I guess it shouldn't be surprising nations are playing fickle policy and diplomacy games at a dire moment of need. But wouldn't it be smart to understand that Assad will fall eventually? And you can guarantee that his successors will not forget the friends who tried to help, and the bullys who sat on their hands.

On to other things; like beer. We believe that practice makes creativeness. It is the time for repetition, cycling, and working on brewing different types of beers. We are going to get as good as we can at home brewing...but it is also a time for reading. If our knowledge expands through a combination of experience and book-smarts in the creation of a diverse collection of genres of beer, we are betting that we can do a number of top-secret spawns in our labs. Hopefully some of them will be something you have never had before...or perhaps we will settle for just something better than what you've had before!